I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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