I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
