all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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