Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
