party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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