the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
