Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
