I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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