my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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