Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can I color on your dick again?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
