and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My breasts were aching with rage.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
