when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
