I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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