Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
