why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
