Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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