You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
