call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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