He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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