his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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