i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
