you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
