i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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