If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I supernannyed him into submission
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
