I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
