I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
