in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
