i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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