why do cheetos always look like penises
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
