Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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