I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
