sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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