So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
