How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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