Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
zippers are such a cool invention
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
