if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
