So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
