Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
