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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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