You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Can I color on your dick again?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
