Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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