Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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