YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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