We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
