So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
