i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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