is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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