ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
no, he came in my armpit
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
