imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
