Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
