I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
