Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
